christmas’ mood ongoing
Two days before christmas I went to see my granddad and found an old man starring out of the kitchen window. No lights, no TV, nothing of what I was used to. He was the one that was the most worried about my grandma who was already in hospital by then. A few days later we got the diagnosis. What we all didn’t know then was that he is sick too. Probably more than her. Knowing that we will loose them both within the next year is something we’re only just starting to come to grips with.
That and how we are going to tell them.
snowbites
(these are some of the pictures I took back home in the snow over christmas. I know it’s been a while but I suffered from a lack of motivation.)
bewegungen
“Denn es ist eine Frage der Zeit und der Rosen. Was schön ist, erhaschen wir, während es vergeht. Es zeigt sich in der vergänglichen Gestalt der Dinge in dem Moment, da wir gleichzeitig ihre Schönheit und ihren Tod sehen.
Oh, weh!, habe ich mir gesagt, heißt das, dass man sein Leben auf diese Weise führen sollte? Immer im Gleichgewicht zwischen der Schönheit und dem dem Tod, der Bewegung und ihrer Auflösung?
Vielleicht heisst lebendig sein das: Augenblicke zu verfolgen, die sterben.”
from:
what my shoes once saw
I was trapped. In a massive house full of white walls, neatly swept floors, morning gymnastics when it was still dark outside and a lot of unhealthy characters surrounding me. I thought I didn’t belong here. Not before christmas. In the end I got talked into it and signed the sheet that made me stay in a completely seperated world. All I had was Johanna as a frequent visitor who brought me amazing cookies (that she cut out by hand due to lack of kitchen ware), a little bit of chinese food my mum left me and a lot of CDs. Rufus Wainwright, believe it or not, became my best friend during these two weeks and Elbow broke my heart too, singing to me through the telephone line.
When I opened my eyes and let my co-patients get to me I quickly realised what I dealt with here. People that were mainly depressed because they were ill or ill and therefor became depressed at some point. And me? I was just ill and maybe carried a good amount of sadness with me. The night before Saint Nicholas I got a phonecall and was being asked whether I put my shoes out yet. At first I thought it would be a silly idea but then got myself out of bed anyway, quickly wiped and dusted my shoes and went out into the hallway to plant them in front of my door. Some of my new friends for the time being walked past and quickly realised what I was up to. It did not even take half an hour until the hallway was filled with patients and shoes and a certain “kerfuffle” which ended in me being called into the nurse’s office. She looked me over before she asked me in a whispering voice whether I took any drugs. Usually when I find myself in a situation too silly to be true I act exactly the wrong way I probably should react. So I laughed and I turned red and I shook my head in a way which even I would have not believed myself. Which was enough reason for her to get me out of bed at 6am the next morning and drag me to a drug test.
On my way out of bed and through my still sleep-filled eyes I got a quick glimpse of the hallway and all these shoes filled with clementines and chocolate. And then I felt proud and happy and didn’t even care anymore when a room full of doctors apologised to me a few days later and said “It’s just…we’re not used to seeing happy people in here.”
So I stayed away but Nicholas kept on returning.
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